Relationships respecting the fundamental freedom of association.

This is piece that I had on my okc (online dating) profile for a while. I had some positive feedback on it from people so I figured I’d share it here! I capitalized the a’s because it’s quite common for people to assume someone not monogamous is polygamous, and spelling while they are so similar so I figured I’d capitalize them to distinguish them more. Otherwise I think I lean more towards the ENM (ethical non-monogamy) or open terminology nowadays. If I were to add an addendum to the paper, it would be that monogamous relationships can complicate contact tracing (tracing people who may have exposures to sexually transmitted infections, particularly in situations with cheating). Also, the title written in June of 2024, but the essay itself was written way before that.

Thank you :)

Sometimes I wonder whether I have gone overboard with this - but I wanted to learn more about it so I figured what the hell, maybe I can teach some other people as well.

I've studied monogamy and I prefer polyAmory because of the research I have read. Some bullet points with references are attached below. I recommend using sci-hub.cc to view any of these articles. They can also be viewed via any college or university library database.

Cheating is a reality. No matter what study I reference on it, they all find some cheating - it's how much that varies. So rather than engage in a system that restricts autonomy and promotes cheating, I encourage polyAmory to enhance autonomy and eliminate cheating by providing permission to see other partners.

Reasons for (Non)engagement in Infidelity, 2010, by Emmers-Sommer, Warber, and Halford, cite other research done on the topic. They found one study where 70,000 people completed an online survey where: 22% admitted to cheating on their current partner (higher rates for married men), and about half admitted to cheating at some point in their lives.

Another study, the General Social Survey by the National Opinion Research Center at the University of Chicago (cited in Marital Infidelity, 1994, by Greeley), had 1212 people and showed 11% of women and 21% of men cheated on their marital partner.

Kinsey in 1948 and in 1953 in the Sexual Behavior in the Human Male and in the Sexual Behavior in the Human Female, with 5000 sexual histories and 6000 sexual histories, found about 23-37% of men cheated and about 30% of women cheated (I read this from Infidelity: an overview, by Hertlein, Wetchler, and Piercy, 2005).

In Infidelity: an overview, they quote other studies which found 72%, 45-55%, 18.5%, 11-24% of people cheated in their relationships. They quote other studies as well that focused on people that were not married, but I feel like I have belaboured the point already - maybe cheating is as low as one in 10, but it is probably higher, around one in four to one in three, from all the studies and informal surveys I have read.

A Comparison of Sexual Health History and Practices among Monogamous and Consensually Nonmonogamous Sexual Partners by Lehmiller published in 2015. This study had surveyed 556 people, 352 were monogamous, 205 were nonmonogamous. Of the people who said they were monogamous, 24.4% reported having sex with people other than their partners and of those individuals, 75% reported that their partner did not know they had sex outside the relationship. Lehmiller also found that the people who are monogamous are less likely to get sexually transmitted infections (STIs) testing and the people who cheated were less likely to use a condom compared to the people who were nonmonogamous. So they cheat, they use condoms less than people who are nonmonogamous, and their partners don't know - this is a safety factor. This shows that people in monogamous relationships not using condoms may have a higher risk for STIs than people who have multiple partners but use condoms with everyone.

Also, consider in this study the two groups reported about the same number of STIs, but the people who are monogamous got tested less often - meaning if they had been tested the same number of times as people who are nonmonogamous, they may have found more STIs. Only one in two people have signs or symptoms when they are infected with an STI (CDC fact sheet 2013, Incidence, Prevalence, and Cost of Sexually Transmitted Infections in the United States).

Re-examining the effectiveness of monogamy as an STI-preventive strategy, by Conley, Matsick, Moors, Ziegler, and Rubin, 2015, discuss how monogamous agreements do not necessarily translate into monogamous behaviours, which can lower the risk of STIs for couples. However, nonmonogamous agreements and nonmonogamous behaviours can prevent STIs because people actively seek to engage in STI protecting bahaviours such as using condoms and getting STI tests. Again, this article cites the "high rates of sexual infidelity" (again, they quote percentages ranging as low as 11 up to 57% depending on the reference). They also discuss how reintroducing condoms can create suspicion of cheating (if we are monogamous, how come you want to use condoms again?) or make partners aware that their cheating practices have been discovered. Uncomfortable scenarios for both parties. The authors argue these bahaviours can increase risks of STIs because they don't want to tell their partner they cheated, or to tell their partner that they know they are cheating.

Another article supports the above paragraph. It is called Unfaithful Individuals are Less Likely to Practice Safer Sex Than Openly Nonmonogamous Individuals by Conley, Moors, Ziegler, and Karathanasis, published in 2012. They surveyed 1600 people, but only used data from about 800 of those people. They found nonmonogamous people used condoms more often than monogamous people who were cheating on their partner (66 vs 48% for vaginal sex, 49 vs 32% for anal sex, and nonmonogamous people were two times more likely to use a condom on a sex toy).

Two in five (2/5) people divorce in Canada after an average of 14 years according to statistics by Statistics Canada. I think that must be really hard for those involved. 14 is an average, meaning there will be some who are divorcing after 28 years, and then of course there may be some who simply do not divorce because it is not feasible financially or otherwise (The Vanier Institute of the Family, "Separation and Divorce in Canada, 2013, http://vanierinstitute.ca/resources/fact-sheets/)

Testosterone is lowest in men who are in a monogamous relationship, and highest in a polyamorous relationship (Multiple partners are associated with higher testosterone in North American men and women, by Anders, Hamilton, and Watson, 2007). There are other studies that they reference if you want to read more about this. I've read others talking about single men, married men, ect, this one was specific to polyAmorous people though.

so the relevence of low testosterone is that it is linked to depression, cancer, heart disease, and other things. there is a lot more evidence on it. I want to clarify that I am not saying monogamy is disease causing, rather, these are trends, these are some links, and they have influenced my choice to be polyAmorous.